Sunday, 11 September 2011

MAN JAM! (aka Bacon Jam)

*sounds of trumpets


Bacon makes everything alright.  Bacon heals the pain and touches me up in that way I like. It's never angry with me for getting a speeding ticket or judges me for all the angry masturbating I do.  So much so that I've been put on a strict daily allowance of bacon...and that's possibly where there are packs of bacon stashed around the house/buried in the front garden/embedded under the bath.

I've decided to call my bacon jam, 'Man Jam' because it's all meaty and manly (where are you all sniggering?) and I like it a lot, probably because its so salty in my mouth (seriously whys everyone laughing?!)..and...er..it's the first thing I like to put in my mouth in the mornings (why...why are you all rolling around on the floor?).




Man Jam Making Ingredients

1 large pack of bacon (cut up into semi-medium pieces)
One tea spoon of cacao (or cocoa powder :D)
Half a tea spoon of cinnamon
Half a tea spoon of allspice
Juice of two lemons
3-4 garlic gloves (mashed)
1 quarter of a large onion (finely chopped)
2 tea spoons of chili powder or one whole red chili
one small cup of strong coffee


Fry the bacon in a large pan until the fat starts to render.  It should still be floppy (fnarr fnarr) after a few minutes.  Drain off the bacon fat and leave that aside before adding everything else.  Stir it well and add back a few table spoons of bacon fat to lubricate (fnar) the whole mess.  Cover and keep on a low heat for 2 hours.  You have to keep checking on it though every 10-15 minutes so the bottom of your pan doesn't burn.  The smell, oh Lordy, the smell is so damn good.

After two hours of frantic, sweary, scraps-of-paper, almost-launching-the-jam-jar-through-the-window label making, stick the bacon mush into a food processor and blitz the fucker until its the consistency you like.  If it dries up too quickly don't worry - add another tea spoon of bacon fat to the mix.

DONE!.  Now sit back and enjoy a table spoon of bacon jam smeared on....a....nice....slice....of....toast....oh.  We're not allowed bread anymore are we?



FUCK.