I’ll be honest with you, most of the time we cook for ourselves it looks like an EMT wet dream; eggs on top of bacon on top of veggies on top of cheese on top of stray/neighbour’s pet on top of more bacon on top of eggs again. We only make it pretty for you guys and for the boss lady. It’s not laziness nor an inability to make shit look nice, it’s just, well, we’re pretty fucking hungry. All the time. And the faster it goes in, the faster we get to go back to the copious amounts of
playstation charity work we do so well.
That being said, after watching a certain Great British Cooking programme, we felt the need to push the boat out a bit and re-use the long quiet part of the brain I used when working the window pass. Stacking chips on top of tomatoes in geometrically orgasmic arrangement, turning a cheesecake into a Frank Lloyd Wright house or simple stacking shit on top of shit then applying a strategic bukkake of dressing/seasoning/parsley makes any dish look nice.
That being said, this recipe was so, so damn easy to make, don't sweat the presentation.
- Some people wanted pork chops, others wanted escalope so I did a bit of both.
- 2 eggs (whisked)
- Two sweet potatoes
- Half a cup of almond flour
- Half a cup of grated parmesan
- One large cooking apple
- One pear
- A handful of baby toms
- 4-5 cloves of garlic, smashed
- Half a teaspoon of cinnamon and nutmeg
- Two handfuls of greens (we used lamb lettuce and baby spinach)
|click me, click me hard|
Getting it on
Hammer your pork (fnarr fnarr) and dip into the seasoned egg mixture.
Turn on your oven to 170-200C. Spray some oil into a large pan before dredging it into the mixed (and yes, seasoned again) almond and parmesan mixture before adding it to the pan on a medium-low heat. Too hot and you’ll burn fuck out of the coating, too low and your pan will be filled with white juices (not saying anything...not saying anything..)
This is really important: don’t fucking touch them! If you’re constantly flipping and nturning them then the coating will come off in whatever kitchen implement you using to flip and turn them and unless you’re going to eat that kitchen implement I’d suggest turning each piece only once so let them cook for 10-15 minutes at a time (use your discretion obiviously *puppy dog eyes*).
Peel and chop the sweet potato and apple then add to a microwave proof dish and cover. Nuke them until soft and mushy then mash ‘em up with half a teaspoon of nutmeg and cinnamon. Mash ‘em up real nice. Vent that anger and rage upon them! The smoother the better.
When you’ve filled your pan with cooking meat crush the garlic cloves and mix with the toms before adding a bit of oil and then sticking them on a foil or lined tray then sticking them in the oven. Wash your green and drain and after 5 minutes your toms will be nice and sexy. Add them to the greens with whatever oils and juices come with them.
Slice your pear into half a cm slices and add them flat to a non-stick pan. When possible, spoon out some of the meat juice and add them to the pears while on a very low heat. What we want to do is caramelise the pear slices with the meat juices. When they turn translucent, flip them and take off the heat. Any more than that and you’re risking mush.
Ok the serving sexiness:
If you’ve got a chefs ring (snigger) you can use that but heaped and shaped table spoons (two wet tablespoons, one curving over the other) will work too.
Mash goes in the middle, then the parmesan pork (sliced into two pieces) and topped with two criss-crossed pear slices. The salad goes around it like a veggi moat, dress the plate with any pan juices and....*deep breath*, you’re done!
Go enjoy that sexiness :D