Celebrating with my meat (aka how to cook steak properly)

For you love-you-long-time readers, you know that almost two years ago, some dumb bitch drove her car into me and fucked me up. I stopped training, stopped eating properly and consequently started this blog when Greg took away all my sweeties and set fire to them in front of me.
It's taken until now, with various doctor's appointments, having a gimp shoulder, physio with ugly people, physio with nice looking people, physio with people who got the medical report mixed up and spent a whole session massaging my calves for some reason, fighting for mobility, filling out endless reams of paperwork and seemingly having to relearn everything and start from scratch to get to here.  And yesterday a big, fat cheque came through the post.


I've pretty much spent the money already on a bath of Haribo, hiring two Beyonce impersonators to dance me to my car every morning and a number of fetching spandex short-shorts for the gym but until it's all 'invested' away I went out and celebrated the closing of that chapter of my life with some goddam steak.


This is how you cook some fucking steak;


You need

• Some steak (I got a nice ribeye yo...it took all my willpower not to eat / hump it outside the butcher's shop. 
• Salt
• Pepper
• Coconut oil

For the butter

• Half a stick of grassfed butter (duuuuh)
• A handful of coriander
• Half a chili (optional)

Firstly, let the steak rest until it reaches room temperature.  Meat cooked from chilled never tastes as good as meat cooked from room temperature because the center of the meat will always cook a lot slower.  You'll end up with the outside overcooked or the inside undercooked and then I'll have to come round your house and kill you.

Whilst that's happening and your cats are going insane, stick your butter ingredients into a blender and blend the shit out of it.  Don't worry if it goes greenish either!  Spoon the mixture onto a piece of clingfilm, roll it like a cigar (get your minds out of the gutter) and stick it in the fridge to solidify.

Steak time!  Gently massage the oil with the salt, pepper and oil with some relaxation music in the background.  Tell it how good it looks, spank it a little, tell it it's a pwetty likkle steak....

When you've regained your sanity, stick your pan on a medium heat and add the steak when the pan is hot.  The fat in the rib eye will melt and crust beautifully (you wont really get that if you grill your steak).

Do not move it!  I cooked mine medium rare (Greg usually has his blue or torn from the screaming carcass of the escaping animal with his bare hands).

If you are going to turn it, turn it once over to get a crisscross.  Use tongs too instead of a fork so you don't end up pricking the meat and having 'dem sexy juices leak out.  

• A quick reference guide to steak doneness;

If you put your little finger and thumb together then touch the pad of your hand under your thumb you'll get a general indication of what your steak should feel like for a touch test.

Little finger + thumb = well done

Ring finger + thumb = medium well done

Fuck finger (also known as my driving finger) + thumb = medium

Index finger + thumb = medium rare

Surfs up = fuck the steak and get some shrimp on da barbie!

Transfer to plate, get yo'self a slice of butter and eat that badboy.  I inhaled mine.  And yes, I did the dance.  Do you do the dance?  Sound off below sexy people...