Saturday, 6 October 2012

Porno Pork Belly (aka garlic and chili pork sexytime)


It's...it's so pwetty.  Lookit!  It's like God came down from heaven, waved his magic wand and created a slab of bacon-y sexiness.  Was I turned on by the large piece of meat?  (And are you going to judge me for admitting, 'yes'?).  Even better was when it was frozen and became a veritable bacon-weapon.  In the end I cooked it instead of drilling a hole into it and making sweet, sweet love.  The lovely, thick layer of fat keeps the rest of the meat beautifully moist as well as turning into the sexiest damn piece of crackling you'll find.

It's a piece of piss (translation = easy) to make though so don't sweat it.  You'll only need a handful of flavours too.  Be warned though, it takes bloody AAAGES (2 fucking hours!), so be prepared for the copious amounts of aggressive, non-voluntary masturbation that'll occur, sparked off by the amazing, bacon-y, sex smells coming out of your kitchen.

I was red raw afterwards.

I'm not even kidding.

I had to get a cream.


What you need baby gurl...

  • 1 pork belleh
  • Sea salt (a handful)
  • Black pepper (a handful)
  • Chilies! (yep, another handful)
  • 4 cloves or garlic (smushed, roughly chopped and sternly spoken to)


First things first, turn on yo' oven!  Stick it on 220C/425F.
Put your pork on the chopping board and get your sexiest, sharpest knife and score the fat, about 1cm apart.  Rub some of your salt, pepper, garlic and chopped up chillies into scores and around the fat.  Really get yer fingers in.  This'll also be a great time for you to discover any cuts you might have on your fingers or knuckles...

Season the bottom of the belly with the remaining salt and black pepper and put it into a pyrex dish (cavemen had pyrex...right?).  Stick her in the oven for about 45 mins. When the skin starts to puff up turn the heat down to 160C/320F and baste the fucker with the fats and juices in the dish.  Roast for another tortuous hour until you can't stand it anymore.  Slice lovingly and serve that sexy bastard.  Enjoy!